I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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