I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
