how can u be prego again
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
