Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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