I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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