U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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