You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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