Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
