i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize