ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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