your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
