You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
