my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
