please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
