I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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