his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
