I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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