I got chris browned last night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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