At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
