I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Holy sore nipples Batman
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
