He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
