You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
