do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
