if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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