I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
