He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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