Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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