Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize