Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
