right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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