"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
