you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
