we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
