Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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