im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
