Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I need water and some morals
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
