I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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