Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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