I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize