at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Dear god my vagina.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
