I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
