I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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