Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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