I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
