I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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