omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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