wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
