i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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