I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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