im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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