Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
