Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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