i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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