That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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