please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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